3 years later
Three years. Three years ago I had the balls to get a preventative double mastectomy. It’s funny what they say about hindsight - it being 20/20 and all… Things that seemed so complicated, are now so clear. Worries that kept me up at night - a distant thought. I have found that sometimes we have to make a decision, but other times, it’s best to let the universe take the lead.
Three years ago my doctors would not tell me to have a preventative double mastectomy, they would only rattle off the statistics, and tell me that it was “one of my options”. I wanted desperately for a doctor to tell me, “Get the surgery. Do it on this day. There are no other options.” I am admittedly not a decision maker, I like to go with the flow and let things happen as they will. This decision making pained me. I know now, I made the right decision.
I worried for god knows how may sleepless nights about so many things that today, seem insignificant and almost silly in comparison to the alternative. The alternative is that I could have gotten cancer by now. I could be dead. I could be alive, and infertile.
I’d worry whether or not the man I was with would find me attractive after having my boobs removed. Today, he assures me every day that he does. I worried that I wouldn’t be strong enough to face the aftermath of surgery, the pain, the mental battle. Today, I am stronger than I ever would have been if I hadn’t had my surgery. I worried that my family and friends wouldn't support my decision. Today, I am reminded constantly that they had, and will always have my back. I worried that I wouldn’t like the way I looked, or feel comfortable in my own skin again. Today, I am happy with my results, and my boobs are perky without a bra, forever :) I worried SO MUCH that I was doing my future babies a disservice by not having the option to breastfeed. Today, I am pregnant, I am growing a little baby inside of me and I realize that breast feeding is just a tiny piece of the huge puzzle that will go into making them a thriving, happy human.
Today, three years later, I am happy, I am married to the man of my dreams, I am living in a home that he built for us to start a family in - and I am doing just that, starting our family. I wish that someone could have told me then, what I know now. I wish that someone could have shown me that crystal ball and said, it isn't just going to be okay, its going to be great.
I know how stressful the discovery of your BRCA mutation can be. I was there, three and a half years ago. I am more than happy to be there for you if you need someone to talk to. It’s complicated, it’s overwhelming, its sad, its not fair. I have been there. Please reach out if you’re looking for someone to chat with.