Once my drains were out, and the healing process was well underway, we were on to phase two. Reconstruction, aka boob building. The reconstruction path that I had decided on started the day that I had my mastectomy. Once the breast surgeon had removed all of my breast tissue, the plastic surgeon stepped in and positioned expanders under my muscle. The expanders would be filled with saline over time, until I reached the size that I would want my future implants to be. This meant visiting my doctor frequently enough to be on a first name basis with the receptionist, large needles, and sleepless nights with achey boobs.

**go ahead doc, just jam that right in there**

Honestly, the saline filling process was miserable, but as with everything in this process, bearable, and worth it. I would go back to my plastic surgeons office once a week, or once every two weeks, depending on my schedule. Each time I would lay down with my gown open in front, and have a large needle stuck into the front of my chest, once on each side. The needles scared me. Every time. No anesthesia, just lifeless lumps with no feeling. The doctor used a magnet to find the port inside me, and marked that spot on the front of my chest with a marker, and then stuck me. Some days it hurt, some days I didn't feel a thing. In the beginning I still had no feeling at all in a large area of my upper body, but by the last few injections things were definitely starting to "wake up" a little, and the pain became more severe after each injection. I could definitely feel my skin and muscle stretching, and it did not feel good. The photos below give you an idea of the process of going thru the series of injections, as well as a glimpse at the many stages of my nipples... I made sure to document before/after pics at each appointment for my own reference, as well as for anyone that might want some insight on this part of the process. I found myself really curious about what this post-surgery phase would look like, and little to be found in my late night google image searches. This has been an ever changing, 5 month process or recurring pain, discomfort, and not fitting into a bra that you wore 5 days ago.

After several visits to get "pumped up", I reached a point that seemed like the sweet spot for me. You're damn right I decided to go bigger than I was - hand picking your ideal boobs is the silver lining of this whole thing, after all. I was now walking around with seemingly "normal" boobs, but anyone that gave them a poke (many of you, I'm sure, because I felt a need to share this craziness) knows how rock hard they are. They've been dubbed the Barbie boobs, because of their striking resemblance to a rock hard, completely stationary, plastic boob. As you can imagine, they have been uncomfortable and a lot to get used to. Being in a bathing suit at this point is a liiiiiiittle bit embarrassing, but I will embrace this temporary porn star boob phase as best I can...

Every week that I went back for these visits was another check mark off the long list of 'to-do's' before this whole BRCA thing would be behind me. I have been trying to compartmentalize the stages of things, so that I don't become overwhelmed by it all. It has been hard, and definitely overwhelming sometimes, but I have had some exceptionally supportive people with me along the way. Mastectomy, check. Month of recovery, check. Drains out, check. Expanders filled, check. And now I have the next check mark waiting on my to-do list for next week - surgery number two, to swap out the expanders for regular implants. Yes, please! I know that there is a cloud of worry and undesirable decision making looming over head, because this BRCA thing is only half way dealt with. I have some big decisions to make in the soon-ish future regarding the effects that my mutation has on ovarian cancer, but for now, that can wait. So just chill for a minute ovaries, k? One thing at a time.

Thank you for reading, and not judging me when you see my crusty black nipple pics, and sharing with anyone that you think might find this helpful! Have a good day.

*if you are curious about the expander portion of the process I am happy to answer more specific questions or provide you with more extensive photos of the process, just holler at me! sue.sardinia@gmail.com

It's been so long since I've wanted to sit down and continue blogging about my experience -- maybe subconsciously I was just thrilled to be moving forward and past the whole thing, or maybe I've had a wedding every weekend for what seems like the last 789 weekends leaving little time for blogging... Either way, a bit of time has passed since my double mastectomy on Tuesday, May 24th, and I have found myself four months later a bit of a different person. The number of people that have reached out, both familiar and complete strangers, continues to amaze me and make me feel sort of great about the human spirit. It sounds like such a cheese ball thing to say, but all of the "I've been thinking about you's" whispered in my ear, with an extra little squeeze, while giving someone a hello-hug at all of these weddings I've attended lately, have made me feel so loved and beyond that, understood. I get a sense from those of you that check in on me that you genuinely see where I've been, and how I have grown thru all of this. I have a little twinge of hating that this is such a "thing" that has happened, but then I realize what a great "thing" it has ultimately been. Thank you, again, to everyone for being so supportive and overwhelmingly genuine and kind.

Before I get to where we're at today, and the second surgery that I have coming up in just a couple of weeks, I'll start to wrap up from where we left off...

The first few days home were confusing, and blurry. My arms were legitimately useless. I had no feeling anywhere in my armpits, or across my chest, and I was limited to T-Rex style mobility. It took a while to get into a routine with all of the pills that came home with me. My mom made a chart, I made a chart, I downloaded an app, and eventually I just set alarms on my phone. Pills on pills on pills. The first week could probably be summed up as naps and pills. I wasn't up for much else. Each shower forced me to see myself again, and that feeling of fear and discomfort, or maybe it's better described as a disconnection with myself, came back every time that I looked down. I found myself staring at the ceiling while my mom bathed me like a helpless child, just to ensure that I didn't catch another glimpse when I wasn't mentally prepared. I'm still having a hard time putting that into words - do any other mastectomy ladies know what it is I'm trying to describe? It was hard, whatever it was. I did my absolute best job to keep a positive attitude throughout the next few weeks, but there were definitely moments that got the best of me. Moments of feeling like a burden - to my family, my boyfriend, my friends. Moments of feeling like I was never going to feel like myself again. Moments of just wanting to sleep on my side and spoon my man without yelping in pain or getting tangled in a god damn drain tube. But - never a moment of regret. Never a moment of wishing that I hadn't had the surgery, and along with that, never a moment of worry about breast cancer. Not a single night of waking up in a panic. That was something very different from the previous two years. So theres that.

Bruising and scabbing got worse over time, and my nipples (if you can call them that) turned black - which was particularly alarming. When I was able to stay awake for a few hours at a time, I succumbed to my boyfriends efforts to get me out of the house, but never without my amazing armpit pillows that were sent to me by an extra thoughtful friend.

**5 days post op, nipple scabbing hadn't yet begun, but we were in full swing body bloating**

My chest was a nightmare to look at, and a world of pain, but beyond that my main concern was my drains. Having tubes pumping blood and puss out of holes in your armpits is not an ideal scenario for anyone. Each day that passed was a countdown to when they would be taken out. My sister drove me out to Boston for my appointment two and a half weeks after surgery, where THANK YOU JESUS they said that my drains could come out. Take a little looksie at this video if you are curious about the removal process, but be warned, it is gross, *GROSS*, and graphic. The sister did her best job of keeping me calm and holding my hand, while I made my best effort to keep my composure while I had the thought of using the video in a future blog post on my mind. Cool as a cucumber, just for you guys. JK I was freaking the f*ck out on the inside. The sensation of them sliding thru my chest and out my armpit was something that makes me feel like puking when I think about it, but the relief of having them out was AH-MAZING.

removing my drains...

I warned you, it was gross. You can get a pretty good idea of how difficult it was for me to lift my arms, they were still very weak at this point . I had no feeling in and around my armpits in addition to my chest. The scab along my incision was slowly starting to fall off, but the scab over my pathetic excuses for nipples were still in full effect. Regardless, I left that appointment pretty pumped, and feeling freeeeeeeeee from the shackles that had bound me to zipper front sports bras and button down shirts. HALLELUJAH! It hurt, I was sore, and still bruised, scabby, and flat as a board - but my drains were gone so I didn't GAF. My next appointment would be in a week, and it would be my first saline injection to get my boobies back on the road to looking like actual boobies. I definitely felt like I was over a hurdle at this point, and began to feel more like myself again.

As always, thank you so much for reading, and please don't hesitate to ask any questions in the comments below, or contact me directly at sue.sardinia@gmail.com - please continue to share with anyone that may find this helpful!

** If you'd like to bring comfort to anyone going thru a similar surgery I HIGHLY recommend the pillows that I used for a little relief under my arms, and you can purchase them here: https://www.etsy.com/listing/474262249/mastectomy-pillow-breast-cancer-comfort?ref=shop_home_active_1

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